i close my eyes

i went to the store today and a womans bag fell open cascading down around her ankles and all of her precious objects she hordes with her were open for the whole world to see. lipstick, birthcontrol, hiarbrush , change, and open bottle of asprin bounced echoing on the linolium. the woman started in a rage to gather back all of her things. she blushed all the way down her neck. and she caught me watching. we held eyes for several seconds. and in that moment i knew that i am as lost as everyone. she was neither beautiful or ugly. rather normal. nothing seemingly unnormal. but for that one moment we shared everything. if i run into this woman again lets say at a party i hope that we will know each other and share a laugh. but moments are fleeting and then your as alone as birth. no arms outstrecthed to hold your crying frame. i know im tired and thats why i talk like this. i know i need sleep. but my head will not allow it. i beg the gods of sleep to let me have one night of non medicated sleep that way i can dream. dreaming and loving are one in the same. langston said that a life without dreams is a broken winged bird that can not fly. this is very true. my soul has cement feet and were sinking fast. I have no one else to write these things too. Often i cant help but consider death to be my best option but then again most of us do. i dont know why we dont all kill our sleves. i dont know how that woman was able to put all of that stuff back into her bag. i dont know if i will ever be able to put all of the things in this life that i have droped back into my life. I like to think that i havent given up too much of my own self. thrown away discarded the trash and the good and all i was left with was an empty shell. fuck chemo fuck drugs fuck being sick fuck this mundane pointless existance in which my only opurtunity in life is to work in a system so bent on killing its self i see little economic hope. very very little hope. if i dont somehow pull an ace outta my sleve this week then I would like to say thank you. thank you for reading my poorly written rambles. i made it in this life longer than i have ever expected. and perhaps is will suprise myself maybe i wont. but thank you for spending enough time to look at this even if you didnt get to this point thank you for looking at the top two lines.